At long last I finally get around to log in here. I am ashamed of how long its been, again. After my last post first we had a very busy week with about 130 people here for a camp we annually arrange at our little farm. It was a great and fun week. When everyone had left I was looking forward to sitting myself down with my laptop and catching up on things, but we had no internet. It wasn’t our fault, something was broken that our internet providers needed to change (I must also add here that there is only one internet provider in the area where I live). It wasn’t too much of a problem at first, but it took them more than THREE WEEKS too get around to do it!! I know it is very much a first world problem, “oh no we have no internet!”, but honestly it was frustrating!
So yeah, we got it back about a week ago. Finally! One reason I found it extra frustrating was that I was just about to book everything I needed to for Bath, and it was tricky to do so on just a little smartphone. But now at least I have everything booked. I’ll be there for 5 nights this time, not the whole festival. I’m looking forward to it. And I can’t wait to meet up with the people who are going there!
You know I mentioned before that I would be making some new outfits to bring? Well, I’ve really been struggling with that. I had a very ambitious idea that I started, and I have spent a considerable amount of hours working on it only to now feel that actually, it looks pretty bad. That was a disappointing discovery. Tell you what, I’m going to confess something to you. I’ve been struggling a lot with Regency costumes the last year or more. The pictures I have in my head and my skills don’t always match, and I have a bad, bad habit of comparing myself and my work to others the whole time. To those who are so much better than me. I well know this is not something I should do, but I’ve always been that way and lately being around people with amazing costumes (particularly reenactors at some of the events I’ve been to) has made me beat myself up about my own work. And so I put lots of pressure on myself that I need to match all these, or better them if I can! And when I notice my skills aren’t always enough for that I get disappointed. Pathetic isn’t it? I’m really ashamed to be feeling that way and I don’t like admitting it. I’m a hopeless perfectionist, and it’s something I constantly have to work on overcoming.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy it anymore, it’s more that instead of only doing it because I wanted to I now keep feeling that it’s a must. The sad thing is this has really affected me. I feel stressed out about things that used to only be fun. There was a moment I was considering not going to the Jane Austen festival this year just because I felt it wasn’t fun anymore. I felt like it had all gotten too serious. And this really makes me sad. This is something I love!
I was rummaging through a drawer filled with gloves, chemises and chemisetts today and at the bottom of the drawer I found a garment neatly folded, it was a so called bodiced petticoat I made years ago. It was the first item I made when I got into my Jane Austen obsession, I made it before I made my first dress so that I could have something to wear it over. I don’t use it anymore since I have my stays now that I use instead, so I didn’t even remember I had this, I hadn’t seen it for years. Somehow it was strangely emotional for me to find it. It sounds silly I know. But it was like it reminded me of something. It reminded me of the girl who made it, a 15 year old girl who had fallen in love with a new world. She was so excited as she made it, and so proud of herself when it was completed. I put it on (it did still fit me) and thought about that girl. She did this because she loved it. Because it was fun! And I want to feel that again.
The bodiced petticoat. Not a good self portrait I know
My little darling Tsaritza has a special fondness for sleeping on fabric, or clothes that have been left on chairs. She never sleeps in this chair, but now because I happen to have left my velvet Spencer jacket lying there of course she must! And she knows she gets away with it because I don’t have the heart to remove her.
So now I’m abandoning that ambitious dress idea I had (for the moment at least) and I’m going to make a much more simple day dress from a nice printed cotton I found. I still want to make costumes with more detail and more advanced designs, but I need to get that “must” out of it. And right now I think doing something simpler will be good. And I’m going to do it because I want to.
Fabric to become a dress hopfully
I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I’m not asking for sympathy or anything like that. It was just something that I’ve been thinking about today. And also I guess I wanted to explain why my heart hasn’t perhaps been as much into all this lately as it used to be. But I’m hoping I can get back to that!
Anyway, that was a weird post. But I feel strangely glad to have written it.
“As long as you remember what you love and why you love it, it will never be far from your heart”
~ Jose Garces